Breaking it Off

Sure, hardships seem to be nigh on impossible to weather, but when we come out the other end, we come out as stronger, wiser people.

So it's all over with Ben now?

Yup, but with that comes a certain release. It was getting quite tense on both of ends: I felt he wasn't reciprocating enough, he felt I was being overbearing. I see where he was coming from, but that mostly comes from the fact that he simply wasn't that into it really.

Where to now though?

Nowhere really, but that's ok. There's a certain comfort to be garnered from having nowhere to go at the moment. I think I'll probably go on a short holiday hopefully alone just to clear my headspace, then I think I'll be able to retrieve a friendship out of all of this mess really. It dragged on too long, mostly because I didn't want break it off, but I know we'll both be happier this way. I can't help but feel a little dragged along by it all, because I feel like he knew he wasn't really that into it for a long time now. I guess I've evaluated better what I value in a relationship though, which pretty much boils down to liking me for who I am, because really, that's a pretty difficult package. I'm not the world's most physically attractive person, but I'm not really unattractive and I can see how people could find my personality rather difficult to handle due to the extreme nonsense that I enjoy so much. Still I think somehow it's made me more perceptive to the inherent beauty in the world that surrounds us.

How does that work?!

I don't really understand it either. Maybe I appreciate it more due to the hardship of the last few months. I mean unrequited love is a really difficult emotion to deal with. I feel I still have bucketloads of love to give someone someday, but I think for the moment I just need a break from it all and to make some new friends out of it all. I mean I've already made two friends out of it which is nice. I just don't want to do what I did the last time Ben and I broke up and rebound ridiculously, which wasn't a really healthy emotional response, but I guess it was probably the most emotional moment of my life to date when I found out that he was in Melbourne with another guy. I'm so thankful for my friends being there for me that night, especially Kira with her ice cream, cherries and friendship.

Philosophy: the playground of idle, but brilliant minds

Ben

It is curious why I always feel kind of depressed during and straight after grocery shopping.

So it's exam period and you're not studying right now. Why?
Well I guess I'm just not feeling in a particularly good head space for study and I've already done some today, so that must count for something. Either way, I haven't really been in a particularly good head space for study for a while with the whole Ben thing.

Ben?
Well if only you knew. Basically this guy I met online and we hit it off well, which is always nice. There's mutual interest there from what I gather. I question though whether a significant part of my interest is the whole not having a boyfriend for over a year and a half now and the accompanying desperation. It also wigs me out a little that he's so soon out of a relationship. It almost feels like we're going backwards at the moment as he was initially the one to suggest we make it Facebook official, which he's now said he thinks it was premature. It worries me that he doesn't like me, which I'm pretty certain he does, but I'm so confused about it all. I wish relationships were simpler, but there's nothing I can do about it really. Just have to wait and see.

Seems like it's a bit mad all of this really. Why bother?
Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, but I think a certain balance is required. I mean I like him, no doubts there, but it's still hard. I wish he wasn't all the way in Benalla. It does make things easier when there's not the geographical distance, which will be removed in a few months, but do I have the patience? The desperation is crushing. There's that apparent security of a relationship that I crave. It's almost at that stage where I don't really care who it is, but I'm so picky with guys that it's ridiculous, but I'm in one of my "no one is really attractive, with the exception of Ben" phases.

I'm so totally lost with all of this. Help?

Personal Growth and Piercings

I probably should get into a bit more of a regular posting schedule.

It's been a while since you last posted.
Too long really. Not for lack of wanting to do it, more just being busy with university and everything. Life is grand, but there's not that much downtime for me really. Between all my general business and socialising, this blog has fallen by the wayside a bit.

Ok. I forgive you, just try not to let it happen again. Either way, feeling at the moment?
I think life is pretty good at the moment. My life always feels like it's pretty good. I've made lots of new friends this semester as well, which I question if it further distances me from my Melbourne friends. I feel like I've grown even more as a person as well. I feel like I should mark my personal growth by something. Ear piercings, maybe? I've been wanting to get it done for quite a while now. Three on my left ear lobe and two on my right ear lobe and one helix on my right ear. That's a fair bit of piercing.

Why all the piercings?
Does it make too grand a statement about my sexuality? Either way, it doesn't really bother me anymore. I think I've come to terms with it so much more this year, which I'm glad about. That's certainly one of the things that's changed this year.

You've said you changed, but what has actually changed?
I'd say again, I'm even more comfortable with my sexuality. I've learnt a lot, not just academic stuff, but about people as well. I feel at least a little more outgoing and able to talk to people I don't know that well. Physically, I don't think anything has changed, but that's kind of to be expected at 19. Maybe a bit more hair on my back and also, yes, a fairly dramatic haircut, which was really a long time coming, but I really like it, so it's all good.

Well wasn't that just a touch sappy? A little emotional waffle never does any harm really.