Sure, hardships seem to be nigh on impossible to weather, but when we come out the other end, we come out as stronger, wiser people.
So it's all over with Ben now?
Yup, but with that comes a certain release. It was getting quite tense on both of ends: I felt he wasn't reciprocating enough, he felt I was being overbearing. I see where he was coming from, but that mostly comes from the fact that he simply wasn't that into it really.
Where to now though?
Nowhere really, but that's ok. There's a certain comfort to be garnered from having nowhere to go at the moment. I think I'll probably go on a short holiday hopefully alone just to clear my headspace, then I think I'll be able to retrieve a friendship out of all of this mess really. It dragged on too long, mostly because I didn't want break it off, but I know we'll both be happier this way. I can't help but feel a little dragged along by it all, because I feel like he knew he wasn't really that into it for a long time now. I guess I've evaluated better what I value in a relationship though, which pretty much boils down to liking me for who I am, because really, that's a pretty difficult package. I'm not the world's most physically attractive person, but I'm not really unattractive and I can see how people could find my personality rather difficult to handle due to the extreme nonsense that I enjoy so much. Still I think somehow it's made me more perceptive to the inherent beauty in the world that surrounds us.
How does that work?!
I don't really understand it either. Maybe I appreciate it more due to the hardship of the last few months. I mean unrequited love is a really difficult emotion to deal with. I feel I still have bucketloads of love to give someone someday, but I think for the moment I just need a break from it all and to make some new friends out of it all. I mean I've already made two friends out of it which is nice. I just don't want to do what I did the last time Ben and I broke up and rebound ridiculously, which wasn't a really healthy emotional response, but I guess it was probably the most emotional moment of my life to date when I found out that he was in Melbourne with another guy. I'm so thankful for my friends being there for me that night, especially Kira with her ice cream, cherries and friendship.
Philosophy: the playground of idle, but brilliant minds
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Friday, November 11, 2011
Ben
It is curious why I always feel kind of depressed during and straight after grocery shopping.
So it's exam period and you're not studying right now. Why?
Well I guess I'm just not feeling in a particularly good head space for study and I've already done some today, so that must count for something. Either way, I haven't really been in a particularly good head space for study for a while with the whole Ben thing.
Ben?
Well if only you knew. Basically this guy I met online and we hit it off well, which is always nice. There's mutual interest there from what I gather. I question though whether a significant part of my interest is the whole not having a boyfriend for over a year and a half now and the accompanying desperation. It also wigs me out a little that he's so soon out of a relationship. It almost feels like we're going backwards at the moment as he was initially the one to suggest we make it Facebook official, which he's now said he thinks it was premature. It worries me that he doesn't like me, which I'm pretty certain he does, but I'm so confused about it all. I wish relationships were simpler, but there's nothing I can do about it really. Just have to wait and see.
Seems like it's a bit mad all of this really. Why bother?
Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, but I think a certain balance is required. I mean I like him, no doubts there, but it's still hard. I wish he wasn't all the way in Benalla. It does make things easier when there's not the geographical distance, which will be removed in a few months, but do I have the patience? The desperation is crushing. There's that apparent security of a relationship that I crave. It's almost at that stage where I don't really care who it is, but I'm so picky with guys that it's ridiculous, but I'm in one of my "no one is really attractive, with the exception of Ben" phases.
I'm so totally lost with all of this. Help?
So it's exam period and you're not studying right now. Why?
Well I guess I'm just not feeling in a particularly good head space for study and I've already done some today, so that must count for something. Either way, I haven't really been in a particularly good head space for study for a while with the whole Ben thing.
Ben?
Well if only you knew. Basically this guy I met online and we hit it off well, which is always nice. There's mutual interest there from what I gather. I question though whether a significant part of my interest is the whole not having a boyfriend for over a year and a half now and the accompanying desperation. It also wigs me out a little that he's so soon out of a relationship. It almost feels like we're going backwards at the moment as he was initially the one to suggest we make it Facebook official, which he's now said he thinks it was premature. It worries me that he doesn't like me, which I'm pretty certain he does, but I'm so confused about it all. I wish relationships were simpler, but there's nothing I can do about it really. Just have to wait and see.
Seems like it's a bit mad all of this really. Why bother?
Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, but I think a certain balance is required. I mean I like him, no doubts there, but it's still hard. I wish he wasn't all the way in Benalla. It does make things easier when there's not the geographical distance, which will be removed in a few months, but do I have the patience? The desperation is crushing. There's that apparent security of a relationship that I crave. It's almost at that stage where I don't really care who it is, but I'm so picky with guys that it's ridiculous, but I'm in one of my "no one is really attractive, with the exception of Ben" phases.
I'm so totally lost with all of this. Help?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Personal Growth and Piercings
I probably should get into a bit more of a regular posting schedule.
It's been a while since you last posted.
Too long really. Not for lack of wanting to do it, more just being busy with university and everything. Life is grand, but there's not that much downtime for me really. Between all my general business and socialising, this blog has fallen by the wayside a bit.
Ok. I forgive you, just try not to let it happen again. Either way, feeling at the moment?
I think life is pretty good at the moment. My life always feels like it's pretty good. I've made lots of new friends this semester as well, which I question if it further distances me from my Melbourne friends. I feel like I've grown even more as a person as well. I feel like I should mark my personal growth by something. Ear piercings, maybe? I've been wanting to get it done for quite a while now. Three on my left ear lobe and two on my right ear lobe and one helix on my right ear. That's a fair bit of piercing.
Why all the piercings?
Does it make too grand a statement about my sexuality? Either way, it doesn't really bother me anymore. I think I've come to terms with it so much more this year, which I'm glad about. That's certainly one of the things that's changed this year.
You've said you changed, but what has actually changed?
I'd say again, I'm even more comfortable with my sexuality. I've learnt a lot, not just academic stuff, but about people as well. I feel at least a little more outgoing and able to talk to people I don't know that well. Physically, I don't think anything has changed, but that's kind of to be expected at 19. Maybe a bit more hair on my back and also, yes, a fairly dramatic haircut, which was really a long time coming, but I really like it, so it's all good.
Well wasn't that just a touch sappy? A little emotional waffle never does any harm really.
It's been a while since you last posted.
Too long really. Not for lack of wanting to do it, more just being busy with university and everything. Life is grand, but there's not that much downtime for me really. Between all my general business and socialising, this blog has fallen by the wayside a bit.
Ok. I forgive you, just try not to let it happen again. Either way, feeling at the moment?
I think life is pretty good at the moment. My life always feels like it's pretty good. I've made lots of new friends this semester as well, which I question if it further distances me from my Melbourne friends. I feel like I've grown even more as a person as well. I feel like I should mark my personal growth by something. Ear piercings, maybe? I've been wanting to get it done for quite a while now. Three on my left ear lobe and two on my right ear lobe and one helix on my right ear. That's a fair bit of piercing.
Why all the piercings?
Does it make too grand a statement about my sexuality? Either way, it doesn't really bother me anymore. I think I've come to terms with it so much more this year, which I'm glad about. That's certainly one of the things that's changed this year.
You've said you changed, but what has actually changed?
I'd say again, I'm even more comfortable with my sexuality. I've learnt a lot, not just academic stuff, but about people as well. I feel at least a little more outgoing and able to talk to people I don't know that well. Physically, I don't think anything has changed, but that's kind of to be expected at 19. Maybe a bit more hair on my back and also, yes, a fairly dramatic haircut, which was really a long time coming, but I really like it, so it's all good.
Well wasn't that just a touch sappy? A little emotional waffle never does any harm really.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Camping and Canberra
Back to the real world!
It appears you've been away for a few days.
This statement is true. I was away camping with the family. Well more precisely, some of my mum's cousins and their families, which is always nice. I love getting away from everything and being able to sit around a campfire and read for hours, which is something I never really get the chance to otherwise, but I'm back to Canberra now, which is so-so. It's nice to see everyone, but I'm not overly looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.
Why so? You always seem more like the academic type.
Yeah, I'd say that to a certain extent, but there are times where you just don't really feel like it. Frustrating maths tests don't really help, but there's probably something deeper. One of my friends is off overseas next semester and I query a little bit whether it wasn't worth applying overseas, considering so many people from IChO got into really prestigious universities. I suppose ANU though is a pretty good university and PhB is a pretty amazing degree, but I feel like there's better places. I hate having to justify my decisions to other people though.
This seems a little more deep than some of the previous posts.
Yeah, I'd say that too. Maybe it's just the feeling of going back to UniLodge, which, while I'm on the top, one of the taps was leaking while I was away so my carpet is all lovely and damp, which is great. The shoebox of a unit doesn't really help my mood. I like the people here, but I feel to a certain extent that I don't really have any close friends. I know though that I take ages to make new close friends, so I'm not too fussed about it. I suppose it's easier to communicate via the Internet these days than it ever has been before.
Bedtime seems imminent and 9 am lectures aren't fun at the best of times. I feel like I should almost be more poetic, but really, pragmatism wins.
It appears you've been away for a few days.
This statement is true. I was away camping with the family. Well more precisely, some of my mum's cousins and their families, which is always nice. I love getting away from everything and being able to sit around a campfire and read for hours, which is something I never really get the chance to otherwise, but I'm back to Canberra now, which is so-so. It's nice to see everyone, but I'm not overly looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.
Why so? You always seem more like the academic type.
Yeah, I'd say that to a certain extent, but there are times where you just don't really feel like it. Frustrating maths tests don't really help, but there's probably something deeper. One of my friends is off overseas next semester and I query a little bit whether it wasn't worth applying overseas, considering so many people from IChO got into really prestigious universities. I suppose ANU though is a pretty good university and PhB is a pretty amazing degree, but I feel like there's better places. I hate having to justify my decisions to other people though.
This seems a little more deep than some of the previous posts.
Yeah, I'd say that too. Maybe it's just the feeling of going back to UniLodge, which, while I'm on the top, one of the taps was leaking while I was away so my carpet is all lovely and damp, which is great. The shoebox of a unit doesn't really help my mood. I like the people here, but I feel to a certain extent that I don't really have any close friends. I know though that I take ages to make new close friends, so I'm not too fussed about it. I suppose it's easier to communicate via the Internet these days than it ever has been before.
Bedtime seems imminent and 9 am lectures aren't fun at the best of times. I feel like I should almost be more poetic, but really, pragmatism wins.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I Whip My Hair
I do whip my hair back and forth from time to time.
Whip your hair!
If I did, I'd potentially bang my head on the table. Anyway, Whip My Hair has so little relevance to anything, except hair whipping. I mean, it's fun and all, but yeah, do it too much and you'll get whiplash.
So I heard you saw some friends today?
Yes, this is true. I enjoying seeing my friends, especially considering I hadn't seen them in a while, so it was nice to see them and all. This is why living away from home is a bit of a downer. I mean, I've made a lot of new friends, but I find it takes roughly two years for me to feel like I'm actually close friends with someone and it's been a little over two months at the moment.
Does this mean you don't like people?
No, I like people most of the time, however I do have my days where I do feel somewhat misanthropic. I enjoy the word misanthropic, but the feeling itself is irksome. I was feeling rather misanthropic for a couple of weeks there, which wasn't overly fun. I mean, I live in a building with a whole lot of people, some of whom I like more than others, which is understandable, but a whole lot who I feel I just don't know. Partly I blame the design of the building for that, there's simply not enough common space for 419 residents. I think I harbour far too much resentment for not getting into a college, but really, for the purpose I'm at university for, where I am is really lacking.
Wow. Bitch fest much?
That isn't the half of it.
To happier territory, upcoming plans?
Away with the family over the Easter weekend on the annual Easter weekend trip, which I didn't go on last year as it clashed with Easter training for Olympiad, but I enjoyed that as well. I do hope there's venison this year again. Venison is amazing and far too difficult to find in Canberra.
Wait, why is this post titled "I Whip My Hair"?
As has been previously stated, I do whip my hair from time to time. Also the song is downright terrible. Up there with Friday, which I do have a soft spot for, and My Jeans, which I do not have a soft spot for and I think that song is amongst some of the snarkiest pieces of lyric writing out there.
Yesterday was Maundy Thursday, today it is Good Friday. We we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Tomorrow is Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday comes afterwards. I don't want the Holy Week to end!
Whip your hair!
If I did, I'd potentially bang my head on the table. Anyway, Whip My Hair has so little relevance to anything, except hair whipping. I mean, it's fun and all, but yeah, do it too much and you'll get whiplash.
So I heard you saw some friends today?
Yes, this is true. I enjoying seeing my friends, especially considering I hadn't seen them in a while, so it was nice to see them and all. This is why living away from home is a bit of a downer. I mean, I've made a lot of new friends, but I find it takes roughly two years for me to feel like I'm actually close friends with someone and it's been a little over two months at the moment.
Does this mean you don't like people?
No, I like people most of the time, however I do have my days where I do feel somewhat misanthropic. I enjoy the word misanthropic, but the feeling itself is irksome. I was feeling rather misanthropic for a couple of weeks there, which wasn't overly fun. I mean, I live in a building with a whole lot of people, some of whom I like more than others, which is understandable, but a whole lot who I feel I just don't know. Partly I blame the design of the building for that, there's simply not enough common space for 419 residents. I think I harbour far too much resentment for not getting into a college, but really, for the purpose I'm at university for, where I am is really lacking.
Wow. Bitch fest much?
That isn't the half of it.
To happier territory, upcoming plans?
Away with the family over the Easter weekend on the annual Easter weekend trip, which I didn't go on last year as it clashed with Easter training for Olympiad, but I enjoyed that as well. I do hope there's venison this year again. Venison is amazing and far too difficult to find in Canberra.
Wait, why is this post titled "I Whip My Hair"?
As has been previously stated, I do whip my hair from time to time. Also the song is downright terrible. Up there with Friday, which I do have a soft spot for, and My Jeans, which I do not have a soft spot for and I think that song is amongst some of the snarkiest pieces of lyric writing out there.
Yesterday was Maundy Thursday, today it is Good Friday. We we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Tomorrow is Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday comes afterwards. I don't want the Holy Week to end!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Blini Pan? Nonsense?
It is often curious what I do, even in my own eyes.
Why did I name my blog after a particular type of pan used to make small pancakes?
Not even I know really.
Why did I start blogging when there's no real significant change in my life?
Also a good question. I thought about starting up a blog when I moved into university, but didn't really get around to it. I'm feeling a lot more settled now and even, dare I say it, somewhat organised! I'm NEVER organised, so it's an entirely bizarre feeling! In a good way, though.
Don't shoot the messenger!
This is a lesson that I am yet to fully learn, but I hope I use that little piece of wisdom if it ever comes to a situation where it comes in handy. I will freely admit that I am fairly naïve at times. However I do have a little more street sense than some of my friends.
Why are you listening to Mahler's First Symphony at the moment?
It's great! It's a huge nature scene in my mind, which is actually like a lot of the classical music I like. Vaughan Williams comes to mind particularly. Music which is so incredibly vivid in its imagery really gets to me.
Do you really want those small pancakes?
Yes, I could actually for some small pancakes right about now.
I think you get where the nonsense part of the title comes from now. Does it feel slightly thought disordered to you? Maybe, just maybe, it will get slightly less nonsensical as I blog more.
Why did I name my blog after a particular type of pan used to make small pancakes?
Not even I know really.
Why did I start blogging when there's no real significant change in my life?
Also a good question. I thought about starting up a blog when I moved into university, but didn't really get around to it. I'm feeling a lot more settled now and even, dare I say it, somewhat organised! I'm NEVER organised, so it's an entirely bizarre feeling! In a good way, though.
Don't shoot the messenger!
This is a lesson that I am yet to fully learn, but I hope I use that little piece of wisdom if it ever comes to a situation where it comes in handy. I will freely admit that I am fairly naïve at times. However I do have a little more street sense than some of my friends.
Why are you listening to Mahler's First Symphony at the moment?
It's great! It's a huge nature scene in my mind, which is actually like a lot of the classical music I like. Vaughan Williams comes to mind particularly. Music which is so incredibly vivid in its imagery really gets to me.
Do you really want those small pancakes?
Yes, I could actually for some small pancakes right about now.
I think you get where the nonsense part of the title comes from now. Does it feel slightly thought disordered to you? Maybe, just maybe, it will get slightly less nonsensical as I blog more.
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